When I look back on the last uncomfortable 73 days under a pandemic lock down in Singapore, I’m a bit amazed. I stayed at home with my thoughts and learned more about myself and about my resiliency than I have ever in my life. It was a soul-searching experience and made all the more intense because it wasn’t planned, it was thrust upon me just like the rest of the world. I also had to pair my life down, like everyone else, which meant all the trips planned as well as dinners and happy hours with friends all evaporated quickly. Without any distractions to take up space in my life, I had to really look within myself and come to a conclusion of what is my purpose and what do I want out of life. What does it all mean?
One happy surprise was I was able to stay sane in my apartment and not maim my sarcastic and loving husband who was working throughout lock down as I was not. He’s funny but he can be a lot with his childish bids for attention such as his poking me or prodding me until I say enough. Those silly things aside, I learned I thoroughly enjoy being around him without any distractions. In fact, we’ve never gotten along better. This also was a surprise to us, but I think to also many of the people who know us best. They’d playfully ask, “Ohhh, how’s it going?” in a worried tone only to hear our happy response. They honestly seemed miffed and completely surprised. Perhaps this was due to the sad but maybe for the best increasing divorce rates throughout the world.
It was interesting to me that while other relationships were flailing (divorce rates in China and other countries apparently skyrocketed), lock down was probably one of the best times in our relationship in recent years. We’re social and we love to be in the company of others, perhaps maybe a bit too much. For us, it’s apparent we thrive with a lot of one-on-one time together. The lock down has been a great space for self-reflection with relationships and internally. It also helps that you only can have fun with the partner you have under lockdown. There was no leaving to hang out with friends if I was bored, I had to entertain myself and have fun with only my partner which was a novelty to me.
The quarantine experience has been a special time, filled with mixed highs and lows. I lost my job, completed a novel I’d long tried to finish, and I had watched the United States be brought to it’s knees by not only a pandemic but also civil unrest. It’s been a painful couple of months but also a time of growth. Pablo Picaasso said, “Without great solitude, no serious work is possible.” This is especially true for me as a woman with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. Picasso also characterizes the level of quiet I found I needed to finally finish my book. I did need ‘great solitude’ to learn what was important to me and where I wanted to go. It was a gift. Not many people have the opportunity to be made to sit without distractions especially these days where interruptions abound and to think about why we, as human beings, are here.
Not only was I contemplating my future but also my milestone birthday. The day I turned 40 was a sad reminder of the cancelled trip to Paris I had planned with my friends. Instead of France, I was crying into my champagne and eating cake and cheese until I felt sick. My husband did his best but he’s not a party by himself and he’s not the emotional type, that’s where my friend’s do the emotional heavy lifting. I did, however, come up with a happy consolation. I decided that I was going to wait until next year to celebrate my milestone birthday. All of my friends agreed I wouldn’t age until then which also I felt was an advantage and one that assuaged the pain of not being with them. I realize my problems are ridiculous compared to many other people who also were laid off but without financial support or people that are dying because of the virus but I think the pandemic effected every single person and it’s important to say that we all are going through stuff. No matter what we look like, internally it’s been a struggle for every single one of us.
Overall for me however, I think the most important thing I learned about my time in quarantine is that when everything is stripped away and I’m my most vulnerable, I now know I’ll still be alright. I know I also need to follow my passion and launch my career in writing because it’s what I feel I’ve always should do and there is no time like the present. At this point, our lives are just too precious to waste on doing something you’re not passionate about. Especially now when we usher in the new normal, it’s time to take the priorities we found during lock down into the future. I , for one, will always remember all the inner strength I found and the connections with friends who made me feel part of a community because they and our inner lights will always help us get through our darkest times.
So with that – Cheers and Happy phase II day all and love from Singapore!
